Sarah Avery (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dr_pretentious) wrote,@ 2008-02-08 00:57:00 |
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The End
For a while, I was irked at Kay for the timing of her cancer, as if it were something she had chosen. After all, I was having a baby, right? When Dan's sister had a kid, Kay offered lots of free babysitting, and homemade applesauce. Homemade applesauce, for pete's sake! And now that it was my turn to reproduce, instead of helping Dan and me cope, she was becoming someone we needed to worry for. I was angry on Dan's behalf, too, that his pleasure in being a new father was so muted by the expectation of loss. Being miffed at Kay was so much easier than acknowledging to myself how heartsick I was that she was going to leave us all, and far, far too soon.
The moment the pneumonia hit, that bit of self-distraction fell away. Suddenly it seemed that Gareth had been born at exactly the right time. He could offer instant comfort to the whole family, and Dan especially, without having to share in our sorrow. I wouldn't trade the look on Kay's face when I brought her grandson into her hospital room on Saturday for all the homemade applesauce in the world.
On Wednesday evening, Dan's family honored her wishes and took off her oxygen mask. Within the hour, it was all over.
It now seems as impossible that she should be gone as on Monday it seemed impossible that she might live out the week. I can hear her voice so perfectly saying...not anything important, exactly...just the verbal tics that were particularly hers.
For a while, I was irked at Kay for the timing of her cancer, as if it were something she had chosen. After all, I was having a baby, right? When Dan's sister had a kid, Kay offered lots of free babysitting, and homemade applesauce. Homemade applesauce, for pete's sake! And now that it was my turn to reproduce, instead of helping Dan and me cope, she was becoming someone we needed to worry for. I was angry on Dan's behalf, too, that his pleasure in being a new father was so muted by the expectation of loss. Being miffed at Kay was so much easier than acknowledging to myself how heartsick I was that she was going to leave us all, and far, far too soon.
The moment the pneumonia hit, that bit of self-distraction fell away. Suddenly it seemed that Gareth had been born at exactly the right time. He could offer instant comfort to the whole family, and Dan especially, without having to share in our sorrow. I wouldn't trade the look on Kay's face when I brought her grandson into her hospital room on Saturday for all the homemade applesauce in the world.
On Wednesday evening, Dan's family honored her wishes and took off her oxygen mask. Within the hour, it was all over.
It now seems as impossible that she should be gone as on Monday it seemed impossible that she might live out the week. I can hear her voice so perfectly saying...not anything important, exactly...just the verbal tics that were particularly hers.
